Funny Twitter Updates

So you want to be entertained by Twitter, wow you are hard up! jk
Here is a list of Funny Twitter Updates, I compiled a list from Twitter Updates that I have used, or have seen and also from a few lists that people have emailed me. Some of these Funny Twitter Updates are really good & others are dumb, take your pick
Be sure to spread the love and link to this page… and if you have any Funny Twitter Updates to share please comment with your ‘Funny Twitter Update‘ below and I will add them.

1. (insert funny twitter update here)
2. thinks it’s funny how we spend our childhood wishing we were older, and our adulthood wishing we were younger.
3. Hard work has a future payoff. Laziness pays off NOW!
4. is reading other statuses but your status is important to him. Please stay online and your status will be read in priority sequence.
5. Never take life seriously. Nobody gets out alive anyway.
6. Friendship is like peeing on yourself: everyone can see it, but only you get the warm feeling that it brings.
7. is old enough to know better, but young enough to do it anyway!
8. always goes the extra mile especially if what he wants is a mile away!
9. retweets Twitter by saying “What’s happening?”
10. Success is a journey, not a destination!
11. Some people dream of success and some people go for it.
12. Read the dictionary from cover to cover, tell you that book really does have something for everyone.
13. is better to be bad and remembered than be good and forgot!
14. If you haven’t got anything nice to say about anybody, talk to me, I find it funny!
15. “gotta love that quiet time in the morning when you’re the only one awake” Based on pics, I’ll bet some alone time rocks.
16. If one of the 6 people you’re following is your MORTAL ENEMY who you’re determined to destroy, you’re doing this social-media thing wrong.
17. the more i find out, the more afraid i get. should i take the step forward or those two steps back??
18. I have come here to drink beer and kick ass. And I’m all out of beer!
19. is a few quid richer than yesterday but not as rich as tomorrow.
20. I like the word “offbeat” because if you switch it around, it becomes BEAT OFF — Ironically, my favorite thing to do.
21. Just woke up. Had an awesome dream about riding a flying dolphin thru a dense forest of pubic hair.
22. Someone sent me a direct Twitter message saying “cute pic.” They must have amazing sight.
23. Does anyone know how to change the batteries in a dead kitten? Please help.
24. the glass is half awesome
    www.JamesStJohn.net – Funny Twitter Updates
25. Tough break for you: I just realized that I am awesome.
26. I shout the talk. And I run the walk.
27. I may not have the key to success, but I know how to pick the lock.
28. I believe in capital punishment more in theory than execution
29. was bringing sexy back, but lost the receipt.
30. is wondering…. if money doesn’t grow on trees, then why do banks have branches?
31. is poking my face and wondering what all the fuss is about!
32. has had amnesia for as long as he can remember.
33. has an extremely short attention spam due to clutter.
34. is wondering where Noah kept the woodpeckers on the ark
35. is somewhat sceptical you’re laughing out loud as much as you claim.
36. wonders why we work ourselves to death, spending money we don’t have, to buy stuff we don’t need, to impress people we don’t even like!
37. has CDO. It’s like OCD, except the letters are in alphabetical order…like they should be.
38. is suffering from amnesia and déjà vu at the same time. I think I’ve forgotten this before.
39. is retired. I was tired yesterday, and I’m tired again today.
40. has used all his sick days so is going to phone in dead.
41. dreams of a better world…where chickens can cross the road without having their motives questioned
42. used to play sports. Then he realised you can buy trophies. Now he’s good at everything.
43. says do not argue with an idiot. He will drag you down to his level and beat you with experience.
44. is wondering if you can grow marijuana on Farmville then sell it on Mafia Wars?
45. thinks one good thing about Alzheimer’s is that you can hide your own Easter eggs!
46. is proud of himself. He finished a jigsaw puzzle in 6 months and the box said 2-4 years.
47. just wants to point out that Cinderella is living proof that shoes CAN change your life!
48. says practice safe lunch. Use a condiment!
49. wonders why Noah didn’t kill the mosquitoes while there were only two.
50. was wondering why the Frisbee kept getting bigger. Then it hit him.

I hope you enjoyed the Funny Twitter Updates. Be sure to let me know of any good ones that you might come across.

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